Saying Goodbye to the Future and Holding on to the past

I feel like closing the shades and staying in my opium den forever and beyond that. I shouldn't be here right now.I'm locked in my flat , my keys having vanished to some strange dimension of unfufilled birthday wishes and lost socks.It's the first time in days I do not feel alone, I do not wish for an escape. I am locked.I am alone.I feel fine. I pretend I'm drinking wine instead of water and ponder that I always spoke to God, not once to Jesus. I'm giving it all away, the clothes so frilly and the books unopened, those gifts and blessings I never wished for and would never be of any help. I pretend I am in love with nothingness and open spaces. "If you want to remember you'll remember" ..so I'm giving away my childhood dolls and teen ilussions ,my student textbooks and quiet dreams. Goodbye to the past , that's just hello to forever..You'll always remember what you thought you had forgotten...